the way i have been feeling lately, is almost refreshing. after seeing josh last, and everything that happened between us -- i don't feel anything anymore. it took everything that happened the last time i saw him for me to really realize who he truly is, and not that rose colored version i've had in my head. now, if i hear anything about him, it doesn't hurt anymore. i don't get that slight stab inside. it's unlike any feeling i have ever had. it's completely freeing.
i used to sit and read lyrics/quotes/whatever relating to broken hearts, excerpts of things i totally felt i could relate to mine and joshes situation. when i come across them now, i feel as though i can't relate to them at all. i can't even humor myself or feel sad for myself over what didn't work out between us. ultimately, it is because i am not in the least bit upset that it didn't. in fact, i couldn't be more thankful. my relationship with him was nothing more than an eye-opening learning experience, it hurt real bad for awhile -- but those things have a tendency to do that. i'm living for myself, and i have no one holding me back or making me feel bad about myself.
i can feel myself growing up, and understanding more things about myself each day. figuring out what i'm good at, passionate about, and most importantly -- what i deserve.
it's even nice to be able to write about it and not have to hide how i feel, because i'm no longer ashamed by my sadness for such an awful person. i'm not sure if i have worded this right to really express this weightlessness i have been feeling, how it came about, or how i used to feel about everything but, who cares; i am free. i feel really great about my life and those i chose to surround myself with. i know eventually i will fall in love again and it will be so completely exhilarating and everything it took to get there will be surprisingly worth it.
but, until then -- i'm just going to continue to live my life for me, and enjoy it to the fullest extent. let's be honest, life is ridiculously too short.
my advice to anyone who is/has/was suffering from a devastated heart: it will not hurt forever, i promise.
there is a light as the end of every tunnel.