Wednesday, January 21, 2009

parallel! parallel! is that parallel?!

sitting in drafting on a fifteen minute break. feel as if i'm on the brink of death. why i decided that it was a great idea to get wasted in grand rapids lastnight (and get home around 5:00 a.m.) when i have class from 9 to 6 the following day is beyond me. bad rachel, bad.

one of my best friends said some of the sweetest things to me last night, he was so nervous and flustered that it just showed how much he meant everything he was saying. i'm just not ready for it, because aside from making my heart grin from artery to artery -- i didn't have much of a response. but, i didn't want to respond just to respond, he deserves more from me than me saying what ever it is that he may want to hear.

i've also decided that i think i want to stop smoking/drinking for atleast a month. i will be the first to say that i don't believe it's possible. i need to do it though, i constantly feel like i'm getting fucked up one way or another. which, isn't necessarily a bad thing, but i feel that it is if i can't even break for a month. i want to start being more productive with my free time. figure myself out, see what i'm good at, read some books.

this year i want to focus 100% on myself. i need to figure my life out, and decide which direction i want to take it in. i absolutely have to stop stressing myself out over the opposite sex / absolutely everything else. let it come to me, if love wants me -- it can have me, i'm here. hii.

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